when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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