I met the friendliest cop last night
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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