Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
