Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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