I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
