She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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