I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
