He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
