Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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