I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
