my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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