I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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