I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
