my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
