Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
