I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
