i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
