Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
