he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
even my farts smell like vagina
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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