I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
