You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
