I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
