Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
