we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
