drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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