coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
