I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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