i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
