Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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