when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
