Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
