I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sorry my hands just texted you
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
how does that bad decision feel?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
