just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
