Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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