I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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