So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
