Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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