Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
