She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
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I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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