life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
