Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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