I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
