can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
