fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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