I'm drive I can fine osifer
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
