Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
