I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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