I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
