I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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