Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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