I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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