Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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