we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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