proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
