FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
