My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
