Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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