Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
