Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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