I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
