can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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