So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
