I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
