every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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